Yes, I know. Putting the question this way, it may get some of the little wheels turning in your head.
If I ask, “What’s the benefits of a low self-esteem?” you may be tempted to snap back with “Nothing”. Low self-esteem is painful. You are hurting. You feel like you are sitting on the sidelines craving while staring at those in the field playing around, getting things done, and enjoying their short time here on earth.
Can you be both humble and proud without being arrogant? (Why is arrogance "bad" or unacceptable for you?) Can you both ASK for help and keep your integrity without selling your soul to the devil? Can you give yourself the credit you deserve while also acknowledging the support you have received from others? Can you see yourself equal to others or do you have to downgrade yourself for.... For What? Is discounting yourself a noble act?
When I was in my early 20s, while walking I came to think of inferiority complex (which is what we call low self-esteem in Hungary) as the greatest selfishness in the world.
For me, the realization was that my sense of inferiority sometimes kept me focused on what I lacked and what I needed from others, while obscuring what I had to offer.
That ended my inferiority complex right there because I knew that I did have something to give and did not deserve (or needed) much more attention than other people. I was ok. From then on, I owed myself to work hard to bring out the best of me, to challenge myself and take the risk of failing and hurting. Because, guess what.
Tomorrow is always another day to try again.
Why do we discount a product?
Simple. To bring in more buyers.
A “poor me” perception brings more attention to us without us having to do anything about it. Isn’t that great? People will be gentle, will challenge us less and will be more forgiving to our faults so not to hurt us any more. And not holding ourselves up to a challenge also prevents us from asking too much of ourselves and god forbid, fail in a task.
If I don’t climb, I can’t fall. If I stay put, I can’t get hurt. If got hurt I would … (hm, what would I do? Melt like a sugar cube in water?)
Ah, the distance that we are willing to go not to get hurt is truly amazing. What we are willing to do to get others to do things for us because “poor me, I can’t do this on my own” is astonishing. And we can get them to do stuff WITHOUT EVEN ASKING THEM! So, if I didn’t ask you to do that, then I don’t owe you anything in return.
But bringing in more support without putting out any effort is not the only benefit of low self-esteem (or the inferiority complex, if we are to follow the terms of individual psychologist Alfred Adler).
These thoughts came to me while I was reading Julie Simmons's thought-provoking article on Hidden Benefits of Low Self-esteem.
And remember! As long as you are benefitting from a behavior, openly or secretly, and these benefits outweigh their disadvantages, you are not likely to change that behavior. Bad habits are hard to change --- especially if you like them.
For those who crave change
One thing that I’d like to add to that article is a possible solution for change --- just in case you are tired of under-challenging yourself by putting yourself down and you think you are ready for some achievements.
Once you identify your personal benefits from Julie’s list (or another one of your own discoveries), decipher the message that you are so gently and unconsciously trying to broadcast of yourself, and articulate it in words and action. For those of you who have examined the communication styles with me, think of this as upgrading your passive-aggressive communication to assertiveness.
For instance, if “humility” is an issue for you, then can you accomplish your goals AND express humility in ways other than putting yourself down or discounting your work? Can you be BOTH proud of your accomplishments AND give others credit for supporting your efforts? “Yes, it was hard work and took me countless sleepless nights but thanks for the support of… here we are”. YOU and others have joined forces to make this happen. YOUR efforts are not any less important than those of others. Value yourself equally to others. If you like doing things for people, then consider that you are a person too. Not more but also not less important than anyone else.
Or, if you are looking for “certainty” and you don’t want to worry about what others think of you, can you just be ok with the idea that most people don’t think about you at all (you indeed are not that important to have others revolve their already busy minds around you) and those who do, will always have their own opinion no matter what you do? And everybody is entitled to entertain whatever they wish in their own heads and you can’t police what that would be. If you don’t want to worry about what others think about you, then don’t do it. Focus your energy to accomplishing what you want to accomplish, what you think is the right thing to do. Get out of other people’s heads and let them be. Don’t try to manipulate what others think. Or, if you really want them to think something about you, tell them out and loud. Get over your teenage anxt of wanting to fit in and please everybody. You can’t.
Finally, if you are seeking “motivation to be your best self” can you find ways to inspire you to keep learning and opening up to this great universe without constantly putting yourself down? Is it ok to acknowledge that you are a curious, drawn-to-learn, independent thinker without constantly adding how little you actually are in comparison to what you could (and will) be? Is it ok to have ambitions, to be happy with what you have AND wanting ever more?
Don't any trees and flowers do everything they can to grow ever taller toward the sun?
Don't any animals strive to stay alive at whatever cost, even if it means chewing off their own legs to free themselves once they fall into poachers' traps?
Are they selfish and to be reprimanded for wanting to live?
Build Confidence and Recognize Your Worth
Building self-confidence doesn't mean believing you're better than others, but learning to recognize your own worth and embrace your potential. If low self-esteem or self-doubt is holding you back, self-esteem therapy can help you develop greater confidence, self-acceptance, and trust in yourself. Reach out today to explore how therapy can support you.
I’d love to hear what you’re thinking about these topics. If you have questions or would like to discuss something you’ve read, please get in touch.
This article is an update of a blog that was originally published on https://majapsychotherapy.com
Marianna Jakucska is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, CA. She does psychotherapy online across California, in a setting that is variably called telehealth, video therapy or therapy-over-the-internet. She specializes in collaborative working with highly perceptive/sensitive people, the creative and the “misfit” to assist them in building a fulfilling life. Her clinical focus is on developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, cultural adjustment, and people single over 30; CBT, DBT, Existential and Eclectic approaches. She is bilingual in Hungarian and brings a broad cultural perspective into her therapeutic work. She is supportive of the LGBTQ Community and people who are seeking spiritual as well as mundane meaning to their life.