There is much talk about “self-love”, “accept yourself”, and "at peace with yourself".
Why is self-acceptance important?
There is also much talk about “What’s worth it?” “How much is enough?” “What’s good enough?” “How much should I give in/up in a relationship? How much should I settle for? How much should I ask for?” I see lots of anxiety about “How do I make the right decision?” “What is normal?”
Telling Right from Wrong makes or breaks civilizations
Making good decisions or judgments, that is, telling right from wrong is very important in life. A people who lived four thousand years ago wrote it down in their creation story:
You are on your own. You are the ultimate measure of right and wrong so much so that without you, none of these exist.
Men and women will come to an age when they eat from the tree of knowledge and can tell right from wrong, at which point they become god-like, being able to create and destroy civilizations. At that point, they are ready to leave their parents' nest and start a new family: the seed of new lives.
I am not sure if the related rage, curse, and banishment was part of the original story or just placed into it later to justify for something. Perhaps result of false translation? It's possible that the story reflects the real psychology of how parents may react to their children's growing autonomy: they feel that their authority is challenged as their children ask questions and start to disobey them. The loss of a sense of paradise may also reflect the end of childhood when parents did every hard labor for their children; it's time for the children to pick up in the real world. Parents are gods to their children: big, strong, and omnipotent.
Your own heart is the ultimate measure of Right
As I am coming to age, I find that self-acceptance, meaning being comfortable with oneself regardless of the odds, is not only important but crucial for a meaningful life. “Be your own best friend” cannot be overstated. If you keep bashing your head in every time you make a mistake or your decisions lead to less than ideal consequences, then you are probably looking at a terrifying, punishing, and painful life. If you can see that making mistakes is something that happens; you learn your lessons and move on, then life will feel less of a struggle and more like a journey with storms and tranquility alternating.
It is because there is no ultimate, universal, abstract measure of right-or-wrong or enough-or-not-enough. “Normal” has no personal meaning; it only means something in statistics. And regarding statistics, wherever you fall on the Bell Curve does not matter; what matters is how you feel about it.
You can be rich and miserable at the same time. You can be the best and the loneliest. You can be the luckiest bastard in the world and live in blissful ignorance of how you are hurting other people and your natural environment – you can still have a blissful life so long as you live in harmony with your own values.
The only measure of a good decision is what you can live with.
There are no right or wrong answers beyond what makes sense to you, what you can live with. Whether or not other people agree with you on a matter matters only to the extent that you care for other people's opinion. As someone said, a thousand blind men will not make for one with vision - a thousand ignorant people will not add up to one who knows. As long as you are ok with yourself and ok with standing alone, you are good to go.
What matters is the knowledge that we are mortal and none of us takes anything with us to the “afterlife” other than our very own conscience at best. In my country we say that we leave this life the way we came here: naked. Peace within your heart is the only thing you can own. The ancient Egyptians had it: is your heart as light as a feather?
And it does not even matter if conscience comes from a god; is inborn or learned. What matters, I think, is that good conscience is the only measure of a good life.
The only one you have to make peace with is yourself.
Your past experiences may have shaped how you see yourself, but they don't have to define who you are or who you can become. Through self-confidence and identity therapy, you can begin to challenge limiting beliefs, recognize your strengths, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth. Reach out today to explore how therapy can help you feel more confident, authentic, and comfortable being yourself.
I’d love to hear what you’re thinking about these topics. If you have questions or would like to discuss something you’ve read, please get in touch.
This article is an update of a blog that was originally published on https://majapsychotherapy.com
Marianna Jakucska is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, CA. She does psychotherapy online across California, in a setting that is variably called telehealth, video therapy or therapy-over-the-internet. She specializes in collaborative working with highly perceptive/sensitive people, the creative and the “misfit” to assist them in building a fulfilling life. Her clinical focus is on developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, cultural adjustment, and people single over 30; CBT, DBT, Existential and Eclectic approaches. She is bilingual in Hungarian and brings a broad cultural perspective into her therapeutic work. She is supportive of the LGBTQ Community and people who are seeking spiritual as well as mundane meaning to their life.