I don’t know what goes through the minds of little chicks before their first flight ever, when they are leaving their nests. But I do believe it's true that letting go is crucial for survival.
After you had gone through an experience that scared you to death and shook you out of your pants, you may become hyper-vigilant and disorganized, anticipating further surprise attacks. If this happens to you in adulthood, you have a "before" and "after" state of mind. With some therapy, you can return to your baseline sense of self because you had one.
However, if you have grown up with those dreadful experiences, you don't have a "before" and "after" state of mind. That terrorized sense of self is all that you know. There is no baseline to return to. You have to create your life from scratch.
I was looking for images that portray how scary it is to leave the nest behind for the first time. But all I found was cute images of birds. I guess nobody wants to show the full scale of emotions. Everybody wants to indulge only in the beautiful side of life. So here it is. The cutest one I saw. It's still funny how we can see the "different" as cute - in others. In ourselves, we often note the "different" as ugly and undesirable. We want to fit in and please others. Being "different" is risky.
Creating a life from nothing takes the magic of imagination.
What determines your life is not the hardships that you have gone through but the beliefs of yourself, of the world out there and of other people, that you formed at the time of adversity and have been rehearsing ever since.
It’s natural to feel small, weak, and a failure when you could not defend yourself; when a stronger force overcame you. You are only human, not god. We are not omnipotent and omniscient. We are weak and vulnerable. We have pain sensors and we feel pain. And the world is full of forces that can hurt and even end us. Nobody can blame you if you feel defeated from time to time.
But we humans also have a capacity of which any other animals may be a bit short: imagination. The ability to think about things that does not exist yet. The capacity to imagine a self that we would like to be and find the way to grow into that image. We are an "animal so shy and small, dreaming you were bold and tall" (Benjamin Hoff) (True, we can also scare ourselves to death with our imagination. To manage your anxiety and fear, go to this other article about anxiety and imagination.)
The only thing that can limit you is what you believe is true.
If you believe that you are disabled and no longer can work; that you can’t interact with people meaningfully and enjoy the little life-time you have, then that must be true. If you believe that the only thing left for you is to throw in the towel and end your life, then that must be true to you. That’s your reality. No blame, no shame. You always have a choice.
But if you could stretch beyond your faith in being small and take the leap of faith, you may discover that you are much bigger, stronger; and the world is larger and more exciting than you ever could have imagined or believed to be true.
Those games that you are playing, the avatars that you take on, tell you that you can imagine yourself to be what you’d like to be. In the video games, someone else’s fantasy has already worked out an alternate image for you. In real life, you are the designer. It will take some work and courage to go beyond what you already think you "know".
I know that you have a hundred reasons why you should't try.
You haven't had enough nurturing. You have no hope. Nobody cares about you. Change is hard. You're scared. Anxious with others. You are different. "I don't know." What if...? I feel disconnected. You don't matter to anybody.
Sure you feel this way. One thing I noticed among my clients is that those who feel they have a steady support system behind them, people to whom their lives and wellbeing matter, tend to recover faster and leave therapy sooner than those for whom I, the therapist, seem to be the only support; they "linger around" in therapy. So I get it. Why going through all the hardship of life if there's nobody at the end with whom you can share your joys and sorrows. It's scary to be alone.
But you can choose to matter to yourself.
You could have faith in yourself to be strong and keep moving on your own if you wanted. Why? Again, because with a little faith you can see that the world is larger and more exciting than you have been made to believe by your crapy upbringing. Because YOU matter, even if others haven't seen all the goodness that can come out of you if YOU care. Because you can give strength to others - to live and to bring forth their gifts. Because no-one else has seen what you have seen on your journey to life and there will be people to whom this journey will matter.
And because hell must be full of very unhappy souls who thought they'd be better off if they back away from their arduous journeys. They never came to a resolution before they put themselves to rest for eternity. They never got to the end of a fight bravely fought. Do you really want to spend eternity with these fellows? (This was intended to be a comic relief, not a statement of my faith. My ultimate reason for keep going.)
It doesn't matter who cares - you do. It matters to you and that's the only person that matters. For you are the only companion that can never leave you behind - until the day you die. People will come and go - you are there for yourself till the end. If you abandon yourself, all is lost. If you stand up for yourself, there is nothing you can lose. Be your best friend; be the unconditional love-force behind you.
I don’t know what goes through the minds of little chicks before their first flight ever, but courage and a leap of faith that nature must have endowed us with, is certainly crucial.
Courage is not about "not being scared". Courage means you face your fears. Courage means you consciously and willingly declare yourself to be stronger than your biological urge for self-preservation and willingly go forward for something that you believe in.
How to take the leap of faith?
First, stop putting yourself down. Every time you are tempted to make a remark of yourself, stop and ask yourself: Would I tell this to my best friend? Would I treat a small child like this? If the answer is no, don't tell yourself that. It doesn't matter that your parents did that to you. You have no obligation to treat yourself the way your parents (or whoever hurt you) did. This technique works because of the fact that when you don't see the sun, it's not that the sun is not there - it's just that there is something in the way: the clouds or the Earth itself block the view of the sun from you. Similarly, love does not disappear from you. It's that the darkness that you've filled your head with, is in the way. Remove the dark faith and allow the love to warm you up.
Second, switch your attention from your weakness (you have been overcome by a stronger force) to your strengths: somehow you have survived after all. Seek not the justification (harboring anger toward your intruder) but your strengths: how did I survive? What have I been doing, what skills have I been practicing, that have helped me to get here? Don't take your life for granted. You have worked for it.
Third, stand up for yourself even if others don't. You have the right to work for your values. Your values are just as valuable as anyone else's. You're a person too.
What if you are wrong? You have the right to be wrong. Keep your eyes open and readjust your ways. (I don't like to use the word "mistakes". It's only that you discover, after you have done something, that there are better ways to do things. It's not a mistake. It's learning to fly.) Learn from what hasn't worked, adjust, and keep going.
If others don't like what you do? You are not a popularity contest. You will find your own crowd. Promise.
Self-esteem? You will build your self-esteem, brick by brick, from your courage to act, adjusting your ways, and seeing that you can do great things. Some other people have learned that they are good from the words of their parents. But they still have to see themselves in action. You, on the other hand, will know that you are good because you have proven yourself in action.
Fourth, when you run into triggers, allow yourself to feel. Give a name to that feeling. State what you need now and/or what you would have needed back when the pain was inflicted. The discrepancy between what we get and what we have expected to get is the real source of the pain. Mourn your loss. Be kind to yourself now. Nurture yourself with kindness. Have the courage to ask for what you need. Have the audacity to go for and create what you need. Those who wait in the shady backgrounds of life without coming forth and ask for what they want, often wait for a lifetime and feel resentful and unloved. (It's hard to love a shadow, if you know what I mean.)
Fifth, nurture your faith. The value of faith is believing in the invisible; believing that something beyond what you already know can exist and that it's worth your effort and pain to venture out and find or build that better world, even if you do it alone. Faith is belief but belief to the Nth degree; belief without reason; belief just because YOU can imagine.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Find the Courage to Heal and Move Forward
Healing from trauma doesn't mean erasing the past, but discovering that your experiences don't have to define your future. If childhood wounds or painful experiences have left you feeling fearful, disconnected, or unsure of yourself, trauma therapy can help you rebuild trust in yourself, recognize your resilience, and create new possibilities for your life. Reach out today to explore how therapy can support your healing.
I’d love to hear what you’re thinking about these topics. If you have questions or would like to discuss something you’ve read, please get in touch.
This article is an update of a blog that was originally published on https://majapsychotherapy.com
Marianna Jakucska is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, CA. She does psychotherapy online across California, in a setting that is variably called telehealth, video therapy or therapy-over-the-internet. She specializes in collaborative working with highly perceptive/sensitive people, the creative and the “misfit” to assist them in building a fulfilling life. Her clinical focus is on developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, cultural adjustment, and people single over 30; CBT, DBT, Existential and Eclectic approaches. She is bilingual in Hungarian and brings a broad cultural perspective into her therapeutic work. She is supportive of the LGBTQ Community and people who are seeking spiritual as well as mundane meaning to their life.